By Tom Wilbur

Back in the old days, when television was young and images appeared on a picture tube in black and white —there was a show on television hosted by the one and only, Groucho Marx. The show was called “You Bet Your Life” and was essentially a game show in which Groucho would visit and joke with contestants for a while, and then proceed to ask questions on geography, music titles, current events, spelling, and such. (In Salina, you had to have a tall antenna on your house to even get television signals back in the day, because cable TV hadn’t been invented yet.) Each of the questions on “You Bet Your Life”, if answered correctly, would yield differing amounts of money—some, as much as $100.

“You Bet Your Life” had a little bit of a twist, in that prior to the contestants arriving on stage, a funny looking bird would drop down from the rafters above revealing a single word— it was the “secret word” of the day. If a contestant happened to say the “secret word” over the course of the show, they would win $100. In this digital age in which we live, I can actually share an episode of the show you– just click on this magical link:

“You Bet Your Life” was always fun, and it was one of the very first television shows ever to be placed into syndication. (The Marx Brothers were incredibly funny—invest some time in watching their movies, young whippersnappers! And then you’ll be able to answer the question, why a duck?)

But I digress— I have a special secret word for you today. I give it to you freely as a gift. It’s the kind of word that can release years of anger and hurt. A word that can allow you to restore and repair the pressures you have held growling inside. Those chips you’ve built up over a lifetime of experiences. The kind of chips that weigh you down like a ton of bricks. It’s a word that can free you from the constraints which keep you from your greatest potential as a human being. A word that’s quite literally miraculous. This word will have a thousand times more value to you than guessing the right answer on a silly game show.

Your secret word is “forgiveness”.

Mark Twain was once quoted as writing, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet shed on the heel that crushed it.” Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner was you.” Mahatma Ghandi stated that, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

Forgiveness— an attribute of the strong? Yeah. Forgiveness requires strength. I wonder how many chips and grudges you are carrying around right now? Maybe you are a forgiving person, who never lets anything get under your skin—that uniquely special person who forgives others for the bad things they have done on the spot, and then lets them go—refusing to dwell upon the past. Congratulations. You are the most perfect human being I have never met. Seriously– you’d need to be a cold, dead fish not to hold some feelings of anger, or hostility, toward someone or something from your past. You’d have to be an alien life form, because every living human being has these kinds of feelings.

Maybe it was that gal who bullied you on the playground. The guy who called you names and would never stop– in junior high. Maybe it was a teacher who you felt had it in for you, and gave you a far worse grade than you thought you deserved. The boyfriend who dumped you. The wife who stepped out on you. The guy who stole your dog. The coach who cut you from the team. The swindler who cheated you out of money. God forbid, that it might be a family member—a brother or sister, your Dad, a cousin, or a mean old aunt who never gave you a break. Or something far worse– something so difficult to re-visit that you’re confident you’ll never be able to let it go.

I get angry when I think about certain people and specific situations I have experienced in my life— there’s no doubt about it. There’s little anyone can avoid it, to a certain extent. But through examination comes honesty, and with honesty and understanding comes humility. Once humble, a person might actually find grace. I’m working on it, dudes. But the transitions towards being a person of grace take time. I’d like to be a person of grace and love, without being judgmental—even when other people aren’t watching. Again, I’m working on it.

So how do we go about forgiving someone? Maybe we should just put it on Twitter that we forgive everyone we have ever felt a grudge towards and 140 little characters later, everything will be alright. Or maybe use Facebook—surely posting one of those fun little signs on Facebook would do it. Your “I Forgive Everyone” sign with a kitten playfully pawing a ball of yarn might make you the Mayor of Forgivenessville, and grant you two more gold coins towards Graceland (see how I kind of just slipped that in there?). Maybe even the Angry Birds won’t be so freaking angry anymore, if you’ll just be nicer.

But, no, no, no, students of life– it’s not that simple. Forgiveness is about facing up to those you need to forgive, head on, and putting it all out there. Not by e-mail. Not on a blog. To truly seek forgiveness means to open up your heart—to lay it all on the line, no matter how much it hurts, and to sincerely grant forgiveness. Without strings. Without recourse. And without expectations of a receiving anything in return. It’s an unnerving level of vulnerability, but it’s moving in the right direction.

Here are some ideas for a path you might follow to get there, in four not so easy steps:

1.      Begin by stopping the ridiculous process you already take part in— in spending the day condemning others, criticizing their actions, blaming other people for your problems, and generally being part of the problem. You must take corrective action on your own attitudes and actions first, if you expect to gain forgiveness from others in the future.

2.      You need to learn to love yourself again, and move away from the destructive activities and people who fuel the fires of hatred or condemnation. You have to leave behind those people who think it’s their place to drag you into being judgmental of others. It’s a club of weakness, and its membership is world-wide. Stop, my little doobies, and divorce yourself from all the negativity.

3.      You need to consult with an expert on love. In my world, it’s someone is a pretty good listener. . . and that’s God. Have you formed that kind of relationship? He and I have those conversations about how to let the chips fall away. I seek His guidance and wisdom, to open my eyes and my heart. I share with Him that I need His help to be a better person, and that I need courage to fess-up to my screw-ups. I ask for His forgiveness for all my transgressions. I’ve screwed-up a lot, because I am a sinner.

4.      And then, finally, you have to face The Beast(s). At some point, in order to truly be free again, you’ll have to do the face to face. It’s not an easy thing, but it’s the biggest step towards getting to a higher level of a life fulfilled. Complete forgiveness means full reconciliation. It means you’re gonna let go, and not allow that issue to be a part of your life, any longer. You have the power to stop it from eating away at you, right now. It’s your call, coach.

Here’s an inside trick that may be of help to you. Regardless of what the situation was— go and apologize, even if it wasn’t your fault. A simple “I’m sorry” allows for the release of the pent up emotions. It takes the pressure out of the equation. It clears the smoke from the room. And by following it with some time, and an “I forgive you”—earnestly delivered—you will feel empowered again. And your burden will begin to lift.

Henry Ward Beecher is quoted as: “Saying I can forgive but never forget— is only another way of saying ‘I will not forgive’. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note— torn in two, and burned up, so that it can never be shown against one.”

Are you ready to do this? Can you be fearless enough to escape these shackles that tie you down?  Is it possible that you can find the grace from within to forgive others—and replace your anger with love and positive expectations for a better tomorrow?

You bet your life, you can. Be courageous. And free yourself, to be yourself, all over again.

Blessings,

tw

Tom Wilbur is President/CEO of BANK VI in Salina, Kansas. A graduate of Salina Central and the University of Kansas, Tom has held numerous leadership positions in banking, non-profit organizations, and area civic groups. He is a founding member of The Last National Band— and regularly writes about life, business, faith, and family. Tom can be reached at [email protected]