By Steve Moody
Why do turkeys get aroused? How dangerous is sword swallowing? Is head-banging bad for you? These and other vitally important topics have been researched by our scholars.
Yet, with all the studies researched, I’ve yet to discover a study on a topic that brings special interest to me and other aging male Americans – the rapid growth of hair in unusual places.
Since I live in a predominately elderly community (with many subjects to study) and knowing how America is struggling financially, I decided to launch my own study.
The first step in my research was to identify the locations where hair growth is occurring. Ears, nose, eye brows, and torso are what I found. There was a fifth location, but the research participants weren’t willing to cooperate with studying that spot – nor was I inclined to go there.
The next step was to answer the question – “Why?”
The answer to this question was explained by several participants from a religious perspective – “God has a sense of humor.” But, this was a scientific study. If I expected to ward off any needs for a future study, I would have to answer the question from a scientific point of view.
Let us begin with the torso.
I was mowing the lawn just the other day and decided to get a bit of sun on my upper body. My wife hollered out to me, “Hey, the weather’s beautiful – take off the sweater vest!”
Yes. This was the answer to the first question of my research. The human body was designed to grow hair on the torso during old age to counter circulatory compromise. Females weren’t designed in this manner because they could simply shelter under the male sweater vest.
Next on the list was the eye brow. Due to the massive hair growth in this area many a man has a small bird or two nesting above his eyes.
The answer to the reason for increased hair growth here is simply a matter of gravity. Over time the hair slips down on the head, resulting in a ring of hair on the sides and back. The front-side simply slips down to the eyebrows.
This phenomenon is masked by some males with a creative approach called the “comb-over.” With the right styling and a can of hair spray you can get a Jimmy Johnson look – guaranteed to stand up to small tornadoes.
Both the nose and the ear growth can be explained with the same answer.
As we age men become hyper-sensitive to the crap that’s shoveled our way. It destroys our eye sight and sometimes our hearing. But, God knew we would need further protection. Hence, the nose hair buffers the stench, while the ear hair simply blocks the hearing of it.
You might ask, “Why don’t women develop hair growth in these areas?” The answer to that question is simple – women don’t belong to the category of Listeners, they belong to the category of Shovelers.”
That concludes the findings of this research. Hopefully, men world-wide can now relax with this newfound information. I apologize to my wife and to all females if I’ve offended you. I assure you that when you start growing a forest in your orifices you’ll understand.
And, I leave you aging males with one last message – “Let it grow dude!
Steve Moody is the Emergency Management Director of Stafford County. He is the former Leavenworth Fire Chief and served as Deputy Fire Chief during his 28 years at the Salina Fire Department. Stafford County Emergency Management Blog